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For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a
condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter. The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the
man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and
doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men
eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of
the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like the beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most
liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes , Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately
to other true believers, and to more liberals . . . just to piss them
off!
 
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