Yellow Bullet Forums banner
1 - 20 of 37 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Instead of starting a new thread each time, I figured I'd start posting all jokes here....
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he
had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do
that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Grandmas -Gotta Love 'Em!!!

Here's a quote from a government employee who
witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly
Woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:

'There were protesters on the train platform
handing out pamphlets on the evils of America . I
politely declined to take one.

'An elderly woman was behind me getting off the
escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

'The young protester put her hand on the old
woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?'

'The old woman looked up at her and said, '
Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it. ' '

~God Bless America ~
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are likeLaxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.



2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. &n bsp;

4.Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7.
Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8.Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.





9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12! . Men are like



Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.




































 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B!TCH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn
that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer
asked her to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing
it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you
could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE,
WHO WOULDN'T ENJOYTHIS STORY?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Wish I could think so quickly. . . .




A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
>
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.




Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'


The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets
> for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is allvery romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.


The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 85-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'


'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.


The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that
followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling
at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something.
Well, I have never met anyone fromHawaii,
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign
right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had
to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9.. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
& MY FAVORITE ONE ...
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'are my testicles
black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check.

Are my testicles black?

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart
rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds
his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.They look fine.

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and
says very slowly,

Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very very closely, 'Are - my - test - results - back?'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,




a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel,




They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a



banana off the tree.




Who do you guess will win?





So think carefully . . ..





Try and answer within 30 seconds !!!






Got your answer?






Now scroll down to see the analysis.























If your answer is:



Lion = you're dull.



Chimpanzee = you're a moron.



Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.



Squirrel = you're just hopeless



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.



Obviously you're stressed and overworked.



You should take some time off and relax!



Try again next year.











Yeah ............. I fell for it too !!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
50 Posts
You might be a Gearhead if:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull into their bay.

you can't drive your car in the rain

your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car

YOU are afraid to drive your car

your 'significant other' won't even ride in your car

you spend more on tires than food

your insurance agent sends 'thank you' postcards from Tahiti

your local city council has passed an ordinance making it illegal for you to even enter a school zone unless you are on foot

you have to go to track to buy gas

you have speed shops on 'speed dial'

you refer to the intersection at the end of street as turn#1 fuel is delivered to your home in 55 gallon drums

your fuel pump could supply enough water for a golf course

you wear ear plugs in your car

the local airport complains about the noise coming from your garage on Saturdays

you bought a race car before buying a house

you bought a race car before buying furniture for your new house

you are looking for a tow vehicle and still have not bought furniture!

you 've ever tried to convince the wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon

you own five cars and only one of them is street legal

you have started to look for sponsors for your daily commute

after you tell your wife where you would like to go on your vacation she answers:"why is there a race there?"

your first date involved asking her to crew for you

you get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let go if they "can look under the hood"

your Christmas list begins with "another set of BFG R1s and Pauter rods," and your 'significant other' knows what the
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
50 Posts
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell,
"You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He said, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought tomyself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 867-5309 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro is parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
50 Posts
21 CLUES A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT:

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOOHOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to go pee I realize I now look more like
Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even
though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher!

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing
or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but...".

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs
 
1 - 20 of 37 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top