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Taser lesson...A must READ!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.


I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, t hinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I wa s going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately o n the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . I
decided to give m yself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one seco nd bur st when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.

SON OF A BITCH. THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to kno w for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'moffering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid'
 

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Head Phuckstick in Charge
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Yep - that's funny but probably not true. Someone dumb enough to taser themselves wouldn't be smart enough to write that well. LOL
 

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classic!!!! lmao
 

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DOO DOO BROWN
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Yep - that's funny but probably not true. Someone dumb enough to taser themselves wouldn't be smart enough to write that well. LOL
LOL, its usually the smart ones who want to see how things work first hand, us dumb asses would have just tased the cat.
 

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YB Monster Crew
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i volunteered to get tasered next month for my college program, only one in my class who said they would. :s
 

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yeah it sucks.I got hit by the cops three times in a row.dont wanna feel that ever again
 

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A friend of mine had bought one of the old stun guns, Not the taser that shoots out, from a gun show when we were in high school. Being young and stupid we all took turns hitting each other with it. And I don't know if we had a weak one or a broken one, but it really wasn't that bad. Just stung a little but didn't knock you down or anything like that. I was kinda disappointed
 

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Bracket racer
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cop friend of mine volunteered for it for training. He said "fuck ever doing that again." hes a bigger guy too.
 

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Hahaha What a story. Wouldve loved to be a fly on the wall watchin that
 

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Not the ride you want to take!
 

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I can envision that in my mind, holy shit I started laughing when he started talking about the fucking cat looking at him. RITFLMAO
 

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I can envision that in my mind, holy shit I started laughing when he started talking about the fucking cat looking at him. RITFLMAO
Same here, took me 15 minutes to read, laughing so hard.
 
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