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El Diablo
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Discussion Starter #1
I got this Resume this morning and really can't help but wonder if this girl had any guidance, as the abilities section cracked me up. I changed the name to protect the innocent, lol.
It's a long read, but I got a chuckle out of it thinking about business owners trying to picture if she can move one arm or two while she is standing or walking in a stable or unstable condition - or any other combination not listed.:smt102
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JANE DOE
100 Fake St. • Bartonville, Illinois 61607.• 309-555-5555 • 309-555-5555 [email protected]

“Having leadership skills are important, but I like to take that a step further by enhancing and utilizing my creative skills. Coming up with innovative ideas that can move design and construction into beautiful objects is my passion.”
Professional Development
Highway Construction Careers Training ~ OSHA10 Hour Certification
Ophthalmic Certification ~ Red Cross First Aide Certification
Decisive and reliable professional seeking a position as a carpenter and finisher apprentice.
Leadership and teambuilding skills are my core strengths. I have a reputation for successfully following and implementing instructions. I have an engaging management style, which builds upon team strengths to meet and exceed corporate objectives.
Key Strengths:
Project Management ~ Knowledge of materials, methods and tools involved in building and construction ~ Excels in knowledge of principles and processes for providing customer service Knowledge of design techniques, tools, and principles involved in production of precision built construction and designs, knowledge of relevant equipment, policies, procedures to promote effective security operations of the security for people, data ~ Knowledge of arithmetic
Excels in critical thinking, using logic and reasoning to identify the strengths and weaknesses of alternative solutions, solutions, conclusions or approaches to problems
Exceptional Team Building/Leadership Skills ~ Adept knowledge of machines and tools, including their designs, uses, repair, and maintenance ~ Proficient in verbal, written and interpersonal communication skills ~ Performs effectively under stressful situations
Education and Training
2012 Illinois Central College, East Peoria, Illinois
Successfully completed the workshop Highway Construction Careers Training Program
1998 to 2001 General Studies
Skills
1. Basic skill in using and interpreting measuring and leveling tools.
2. Basic skills in obtaining and seeing to the appropriate use of equipment and material. needed to do carpentry-related work.
3. Basic skills in determining the kind of tools and equipment needed to do a job.
4. Basic skill in the installation of framing, molding, cabinetry, windows, doors, and other furnishings and structures.
5. Basic equipment maintenance skills.
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Abilities
1. Ability to keep hand and arm steady while moving arm or holding arm and hand in one position.
2. Ability to coordinate two or more limbs (e.g., two arms, two legs, or one leg and one arm) while sitting, standing, or lying down,
3. Ability to exert oneself physically over long periods of time without getting winded or out of breath.
4. Ability to add, subtract, multiply, or divide quickly and correctly.
5. Ability to time one’s movements or movements of a piece of equipment in anticipation of changes in the speed and/or direction of a moving object or scene.
6. Ability to quickly move hand, hand together with arm, or two hands to grasp, manipulate, or assemble objects.
7. Ability to quickly and repeatedly adjust the controls of a machine or a vehicle to exact positions.
8. Ability to quickly respond with hand, finger, or foot.
9. Ability to bend, stretch, twist or reach with one’s body, arms, and/or legs.
10. Ability to exert maximum muscle force to lift, push, pull, or carry objects.
11. Ability to keep or regain body balance or stay upright when in an unstable position.
12. Ability to judge which of several objects is closer or farther away, or to judge the distance between oneself and an object.
13. Ability to see details at close range (within a few feet).
14. Ability to combine pieces of information to form general rules or conclusions
15. Ability to know one’s location in relation to the environment or to know where other objects are in relation to oneself.
Work Experience
2008 to 2012 Pharmaceutical Technician, Omnicare Peoria, Illinois
• Filled prescriptions and made compounds.
• Ordered and organized stock.
2007 Production, Champion Pipe Furnace Peoria Heights, Illinois
• Worked on assembly line making parts for ducts.
2004 to 2006 Administrative Assistant, Volt Technical Service Peoria, Illinois
• Proficient use of various word processing programs, Microsoft Word and Power Point.
• Responsible for scheduling and organizing events. (Event Planner)
• Provided excellent customer.
2001 to 2003 Certified Ophthalmic Assistant, Bond Eye Associates Peoria, Illinois
• Provided excellent customer service.
• Maintained neat and organized work environment.
• Assisted in refractive surgeries
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JANE DOE
100 Fake St. • Bartonville, Illinois 61607.• 309-555-5555 • 309-555-5555 [email protected]


Dear Hiring Manager,

Please accept the attached resume as a request to work for your company. I am excited about the possibility of becoming a part of your team! I believe I possess skills, abilities and strengths that are easily transferable to any work environment.

I am a self-motivated, dependable person, with a desire to learn new skills. I work well as part of a team or individually. Problem solving, determination to succeed and my compassion for helping others are three of my greatest strengths. I believe that I can be an asset to your great organization. I am prepared to relocate to another city and state, if necessary, to be of service to the company. Please give me an opportunity to meet with you at your earliest convenience.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to consider my request. I look forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,

Jane Doe
 

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I hope someone intended that as a joke. The worst I've run across was a gal that came in from a temp agency as a bookkeeper at my wife's company. She came into her office one day to complain about the way some were recording numerical date. Long story short, she didn't realize that decimals and fractions could express the same thing, I.E. that 1/5 is the same as 0.2. My wife said she just stared at her slack jawed when she realized what the confusion was. She took her into a room and set her down and taught her like in grade school. I guess that's maybe more of an indictment of our educational system.
 

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El Diablo
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Discussion Starter #6
I hope someone intended that as a joke.
I don't think so, this was forwarded to all the local contractors through the local Contractor's Association. I can't believe they wouldn't have read it and offered any help to make this Resume useful.:smt102
 

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SASQUATCH RACE TEAM
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I hope someone intended that as a joke. The worst I've run across was a gal that came in from a temp agency as a bookkeeper at my wife's company. She came into her office one day to complain about the way some were recording numerical date. Long story short, she didn't realize that decimals and fractions could express the same thing, I.E. that 1/5 is the same as 0.2. My wife said she just stared at her slack jawed when she realized what the confusion was. She took her into a room and set her down and taught her like in grade school. I guess that's maybe more of an indictment of our educational system.
it seems to me that schools are become more about pushing some one's agenda than teaching basic skills people need to function in the real word.
 

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El Diablo
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12,395 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
it seems to me that schools are become more about pushing some one's agenda than teaching basic skills people need to function in the real word.
She's probably a 4.0 with no common sense, but come on, pertinent information, cut to the chase, keep it short and simple. Fluffing it up with crap is a waste of paper.
I'm tempted to repair it and send it back to her, but I'm afraid she might get a job she's not intelligent enough to handle.:smt102
 

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HIRE HER, 150k a year, 6 weeks vacation, Company Car,and all expenses paid...what a catch.
 

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I don't think so, this was forwarded to all the local contractors through the local Contractor's Association. I can't believe they wouldn't have read it and offered any help to make this Resume useful.:smt102
Looks like a prime candidate from EEO compliance and apprenticeship training requirements...from filling prescriptions to carpentry, she'll fit right in!...hell stick her out on a bridge deck and tell her to start buttoning up the diaphragms.
 

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your mamas ride home
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For central illinois. That is good to know they can do math. At least that list didn't say special abilities. Lmao

So she's been a Secretary a lot and we know that takes massive abilities. She worked for a temp agency even and still couldn't put together a decent resume. Really fucking sad to say the least.
 

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El Diablo
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12,395 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Looks like a prime candidate from EEO compliance and apprenticeship training requirements...from filling prescriptions to carpentry, she'll fit right in!...hell stick her out on a bridge deck and tell her to start buttoning up the diaphragms.
We actually hired two "black" gentlemen from the union hall to shoot Fillets on bridge beams. Both of them were scared as hell of heights, so I had to call in the other surveyor to do it ourselves while the two gentlemen stood there and watched. Imagine that, lol.
 
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