Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
Was shagging this chick over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" . . thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence..... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
My wife just came in to me and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cause when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a gal called Penny - spooky or what?
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly"
wasn't the right answer.