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22,727 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Custom Engine Shop
3,812 Posts

158 Posts
" A man and his friend were hunting deer in a rural area near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.

158 Posts
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out!

"I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said,

"And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and
pick me up from school."

158 Posts
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of
the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room,
she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she
told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax
in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the
young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with
you?" The older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

158 Posts
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

158 Posts
A very elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together
in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and
I made love to you."

"Yes" she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and
we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Ooooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on
them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided
by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the
old man drops this trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to
the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most
furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like young teenagers. This goes on for
about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh God!" He's hanging on to
her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground and laid there still.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the
ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put
their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing; he was
going like a train! I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else!
You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you
manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together.
Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

workin it
7,790 Posts
Great ones guys!! Thanks...

22,727 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Ok Bill so now your not working on car as much we have to put up with you on here all the time now:smt078

Just waiting on some parts then it will be full speed ahead.
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