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Comedian Joan Rivers dead at 81
Some of her celebrity one liners:

Elizabeth Taylor
“She was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her. She’s so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirin"

Renée Zellweger
“All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.”
“Her face is so tight she could whisper in her own ear.”

Tom Cruise
“Did you hear he just had a baby? He was there when it was born … he should have been there when it was conceived.”

Paris Hilton
“When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton’s poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film ... in a Marriott hotel.”

Michael Jackson
“The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?

Adele
“I met Adele! What’s her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add ‘fried chicken’.”

Lindsay Lohan
“I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.”

Katie Holmes
“Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try and play John F. Kennedy’s wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it.”

**** Jagger
“**** Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.”

Boy George
“Boy George is all England needs — another queen who can’t dress.”

Gwyneth Paltrow
On hearing the actress had been crowned by People Magazine as the most beautiful woman in the world:
“Voted by Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder!”

Justin Bieber
“I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian, and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.”

Kristen Stewart
“Many stars only do one thing well. Of course, the best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a director’s balls.

Jennifer Lawrence
“I love that she’s telling everyone how wrong it is to worry about retouching and body image, and meanwhile, she has been touched up more than a choir boy at the Vatican. Look at her posters.”

Whitney Houston
“I hate Houston. It’s crawling with bugs. ... Oh, wait, that’s Whitney Houston; I’m sorry, my bad.”

Tommy Lee Jones
“He makes Hitler look warm and funny.”
 

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AVAST
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awesome
 

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Michael Jackson
“The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?



lol
 

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Jarrad S
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Lindsay Lohan
“I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.”


 

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She came off as a cunt to me. I think she actually meant the shit she said. Rickles has a likeable quality to him IMO. She didn't.
 

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X2. She was an obnoxious, self obsessed, annoying, idiot who got paid for being that way.
And here on YB there's a whole bunch doing it for free.
 

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She could have fit in TOBT.
I agree. Some of you think she was a cunt... she kind of was, but even w all her weird plastic surgery, she did not give a fuck what the haters thought
 

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On Kim Kardashian's infant daughter, North West:
Rivers told an audience at the Saban Theatre in Beverly Hills this past January, "That baby is ugly … I've never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing."

On Heidi Klum's 2013 Oscars dress:
"The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens."
On Mel Gibson:
"As a Jew, I don't want to see Mel Gibson at a party. I don't want to run into him in the kitchen, because there's an oven in it, and I'm afraid of what he might do."


On Angelina Jolie's high-cut, leg-baring gown at the 2012 Oscars:
"Everyone took her to task with that photograph with the leg out, but to me it looked as if she had a terrible yeast infection and she was trying to air it out."

"Camilla Parker Bowles is so ugly that at airports they make her frisk herself."

On first lady Michelle Obama (after calling President Obama gay):
"You know Michelle is a tranny."



Joan Rivers on Joan Rivers:
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head."

"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus. That way, I'd visit him every day."

"I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's Believe It or Not, and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'"

"I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'"

"The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are age appropriate. For me that would be a shroud."

"All I ever heard when I was a kid was, 'Why can't you be more like your cousin Sheila?' And Sheila had died at birth."

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

"I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper."





Johnny Carson: I can only take credit for putting you on the show. But I did say one thing that night which I have seldom said on this show over the years. You finished your routine, and you were devastating, the audience was just falling apart, and you walked over and sat down, and I said, "You know, you're going to be a big star."
Joan Rivers: I remember that.
Johnny Carson: And that's something you don't say because it always sounds you know like you're just...
Joan Rivers: And I looked behind me. I couldn't believe you were talking to me.

-On the Tonight Show, 1986


Johnny's practical joke on Joan Rivers.




Don Rickles on Joan Rivers. As usual, he starts beating up some of the audience and, adlibbing, tells the woman he's giving a hard time to, that she can ask him one question.

She asks him whom he would marry if he wasn't married to his wife.

Rickles doesn't hesitate a beat. He says, "Joan Rivers. Not because she's so pretty-she ain't, not because she's Jewish-who cares, no, because she's as funny as I am. Well, almost!"

Praise indeed from one of the funniest comedians of any generation.
 
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