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Bring on the Metal!!
9,483 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is sincere sarcasm at its most effective best !

Thanks.....a pant load !

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet
towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has
given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix

And thanks or always correcting me with "gotchas" from
"Snoops" who knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels
will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's

Have a wonderful day....

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