*Guide to Pooping at Work*

Subject: How To Poop At Work
> >>
> >>
> >> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
> >> much as we try to
> >> convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is
> >> inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
> >> following is the Survival
> >> Guide for taking a dump at work.
> >> CROP DUSTING:
> >> When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
> >> the smell is not in
> >> your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
> >> know where it came from. Be careful when you do this.
> >> Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
> >> Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
> >> the smell has left your pants.
> >> FLY BY:
> >> This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
> >> pooping. Walk in and
> >> check for other poopers. If there are others in the
> >> bathroom, leave and
> >> come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
> >> FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
> >> constantly going
> >> into the bathroom.
> >> ESCAPEE:
> >> This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
> >> the urinal or
> >> forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
> >> by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an
> >> escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
> >> happen. If you are standing next to the
> >> farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No
> >> one likes an
> >> escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making
> >> a joke or
> >> laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
> >> JAILBREAK:
> >> When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
> >> machine gun pace. This
> >> is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
> >> this should
> >> happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
> >> everyone has left the
> >> bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
> >> just occurred.
> >> COURTESY FLUSH:
> >> The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
> >> hits the water.This
> >> reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
> >> the bathroom.
> >> This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
> >> SHAME.
> >> WALK OF SHAME:
> >> Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
> >> you have just
> >> stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
> >> moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
> >> farts, it is best to
> >> pretend that the smell does not exist. This very
> >> uncomfortable walk
> >> can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
> >> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
> >> This is a colleague who poops at work and is damm
> >> proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
> >> Pooper enter the
> >> bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her
> >> arm. Always
> >> look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
> >> Pooper before entering the bathroom.
> >> THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
> >> A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
> >> emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
> >> group can help you
> >> to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
> >> Poopers, and
> >> identify SAFE HAVENS.
> >> SAFE HAVENS:
> >> A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
> >> the building
> >> whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that
> >> are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
> >> reduce the odds of a pooper
> >> of your sex entering the bathroom.
> >> TURD BURGLAR:
> >> This is someone who does not realize that you are in
> >> the stall and
> >> tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
> >> shocking and
> >> vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop
> >> at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
> >> Turd Burglar leaves.
> >> This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> >> CAMO-COUGH:
> >> A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> >> bathroom that you
> >> are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
> >> used to cover-up a
> >> WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
> >> Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction
> >> with an ASTAIRE.
> >> ASTAIRE:
> >> An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
> >> potential Turd
> >> Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all
> >> doubt that the
> >> stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the
> >> bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
> >> WATERMELON:
> >> A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
> >> when hitting the
> >> toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
> >> If you feel a
> >> Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
> >> CAMO-COUGH.
> >> HAVANA OMELET:
> >> A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
> >> splashes in the toilet
> >> water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
> >> Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
> >> UNCLE TODD:
> >> An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
> >> around forever.
> >> This person could spend extended lengths of time
> >> infront of the mirror
> >> or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it
> >> difficult to relax while
> >> on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when
> >> the bathroom is empty.This benefits you as well as
> >> other bathroom
> >> attendees.
> >> Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an
> >> inevitable part of life.