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pretty long ...but fun-knee.....sorry

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment
for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point
passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my
brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but,
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me
to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see
the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere.. I
was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
to be
the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment,
I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I
felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and
that my
colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?' ;) ;) ;) ;)

NOHOOK HERE : Update : you can take pills = much easier than above !
 

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My doctor just did the blood test they do after they think they have a positive test result. It came back negative. I dont know if that will change after I am 50, but for now the blood test seems a lot easier.
 

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thats some funny shit
 

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Great read! Made me laugh out loud, as it is coming up for me next year......I gave birth 3 times but am not looking forward to this! It is an EXIT dammit!!!!!!!
 

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That is absolutly hilarious. Makes me want to rush right out and get er done!

Thanls for the laugh. My eyes are still watering from lmao.

John
 

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Very Funny!
 

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My boss had this done last year and it was a hoot for me. It was scheduled on Friday and he went and had it done. Well, he decides that he can come by the shop after it is over (even though the dr told him to go home and stay there) and we decide to eat lunch at Zaxbys. He goes home in the meantime to get some rest as he was still a bit groggy from the drugs. So I go to meet him for lunch and we get there and it is the busiest I have ever seen it. He has one of those voices that carry and you can hear over everything and everybody else. As we are standing in the line with about 20 people in front of us, he starts telling me about his experience. At first it was funny, but when I realized that EVERYBODY in front of and behind us was listening because he was unusually loud, I got a bit embarrased. That crap he took the night before hadnt worn off when he had gotten to the outpatient surgery place and he sprayed the room and bathroom because he couldnt get to the john in time. He likened it to a shuttle blasting off also. Funny thing is, I never tried to tell him to quiet down, and he told the whole story with everybody at Zaxbys listening. He also sharded himself a couple of times after getting home. Guess they lost the o-ring.
 
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